I’m Trying to Right My Wrongs, But it’s Funny Them Same Wrongs Helped Me Write This… Post?

Hi guys!

Rather than tackle any of my Challenges, I’m gonna talk about how my night went, and you’re going to freaking deal with it, okay?

For starters, I think it’s time I get a name tag something like this:

I Had A Sweet Title, But I Forgot What It Was

HEY LADIES!

AND GENTS!

AND GENDER-NEUTRAL PROTOPLASM!

So, I complete my previous challenge.  Now I need a new one.

Happy Holidays, You Bastards

YO! Did everyone have an amazing Christmas? I DID! Except for just now when I almost choked to death on a candy cane. That wasn’t very fun. Good thing I work in a place full of nurses!

Challenge #1: Stuff I Do Now

LATE CHALLENGE-Y CHALLENGE TIME

Last week, I was challenged by my homeslice Timmy(tm) to annotate five things that I didn’t do five years ago.  I was gonna post this LAST weekend, but things got in the way.  Afroman would understand.

Howevs, I did it, and here it is!

 

In Which I Complain A Lot And Am Not Funny

And Also Capitalize Every Word In The Title Because I Keep Forgetting The Very Complex Capitalization Rules (Like Seriously, I Used To Think Anything 3 Letters Or Less Was Lower Case, Right?  But Dude, You’re Supposed To Capitalize All “Subordinate Conjunctions” But Not “Coordinate Conjunctions” And I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THOSE THINGS ARE.)

Anyhoo.

Challengers: REPORT FOR DUTY

Seeing as I now have an ungodly amount of free time and very few hobbies with which to fill it, I’ve been thinking about making regular updates to this baby.  Like, on particular days, all the time.  Weird, right?  I think I’ve heard people talk about this kind of thing before, but I’ve never seen it done.  I’m a pioneer of blogging!

The problem I’m facing is… well.  How in the hell do I publicize this if I’ve cut myself off from all forms of social networking?  I mean, I’m not trying to become famous here, but I’d at least like my friends to read my shit so they can say how funny I am and then tell me I SHOULD be famous, thus reaffirming my belief that my current lack of fame and fortune has nothing to do with talent or consistency, and everything to do with luck.

How can I do that when I don’t have access to… Anything?  Ugh, I say.  UGH.  Suddenly I’m reminded that things like Facebook serve a goddamn purpose if you want people to know about the things you do on the Internet.

I seriously do not have even one solution to this.  Unless I start texting everyone my goddamn updates, but I think I’d rather stab myself.  Getting ads on your phone from supposed friends is worse than getting drunk texts from exes.  ”Exes.”  That word looks very weird when typed.  It looks like the name of an ancient mythic sword–the only one in existence that can slice through dragon scales.  But it’s not.  All exes really do is (are?  is?  MY GRAMMAR HAS GONE DOWNHILL, GUYS) cut through your self-esteem and decision-making abilities.

But.  Um.  Yeah.  I don’t know.  If anyone can think of a solution, tell me about it!

In the meantime, I’ll start thinking of things I can do to keep myself motivated to update at least once a week.  At the moment, I think my theme will be “Shit I’m Doing Instead of the Internet.”  It’s all pretty sweet, guys.  Like, for instance, I watched the entire Black Books series in like three days.  Aaaaaand, I read a book!  Oh wait, I did that before the Internet Drought of ’11.  So… basically I watched Black Books?

I also got a decent amount of Christmas shopping done.  That was bitchin’.  I read the news, like, twice.  I also read about psychology, like, twice.  I’m a powerhouse of information browsing.

Ugh this is lame.  I should do something awesome just to write about it.  SUGGESTIONS WELCOME.

Actually, yes!  Let’s do that!  If there’s something you want me to do/write about, TELL ME AND I WILL DO IT, kay?  As long as it’s not something stupid, like setting my hand on fire or dancing around in a diaper.  REAL CHALLENGES ONLY PLZ.

Let’s say for the sake of awesomeness that if I receive a challenge that I can complete in 5 days, I will update about it on Saturday.  Deal?!

OKAY LET’S GO WITH THE COMMENTS NOW

WHAT’S THE HAPS MY FRIENDS

Now that you’ve all been updated on why I left the internet, it’s time to hear about the other shit I’m doing!  Prepare yourself for something even more boring than the recounting of my entire childhood, y’all.

Internet Breakups Part 3: What’s Happening Now, I Guess

I’m still trying to edit this shit, but I just threw my phone at a wall and I can’t find all the pieces and it makes me want to throw more things, so I probably shouldn’t be writing but I NEED TO FINISH THIS SHIT OR I NEVER WILL.

Part 1 and 2, Nutshell Edition:  I was a social cripple.  Like.  Fo serious.  I couldn’t even say “hi” without nonsensical syllables spilling from my mouth like yogurty vomit.  This fear of people, combined with a need for human interaction, drove me into the strong and loving arms of the Internet.  Little did I know, Internetz was also controlling, manipulative, hurtful, and most of all, addictive in a way that stifled my ability to make real friends.

Internet Breakups Part 2: Planting the Seeds of Pain? Or Something?

You guys, this is going to be so long.  SO.  LONG.  I keep trying to pare it down, but I wind up adding more shit.  THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF GOOD EDITING, JESS.  Welcome to part 2 of what is currently a 3-part update.

Part 1 Summary:  I quit almost all of the Internet.  I was also a super loser as a kid.  I gave a list of things that made this super clear.  If you want to point and laugh, go back and read that, but otherwise you can start here.

Internet Breakups: Part 1

Wanna hear a story?  A story of a girl who limited her internet usage, only to discover at least a third of her day was being eaten by social networking?

NO, because that’s a story told by practically everyone who decides to “quit” Facebook.  But I’m going to tell it anyway, because it’s NEW TO ME, fuckers.