Someone Suggest a Relevant Kanye Lyric for This Blog Title

WHAT IS UP.

So, my life is really weird!  Weird and pretty good, I guess!  I don’t know.  It kind of sucks, because when I’m not feeling shitty, it’s like I forget how to write funny things.

As y’all may have noticed—or pointed out on numerous occasions—my humor is generally self-deprecating.  And as you also may know, self-deprecation is just thinly veiled self-loathing.  And since I don’t hate myself right now, it’s hard for me to crank out the jokes about how shitty I am.  Because I’m, like, not shitty.

I’m happy-ish right now.  Sort of.  I don’t know.  IT’S WEIRD.  But there’s not currently a constant barrage of shame and guilt coming from my subconscious, so there’s nothing for my humor to defend me against.  (I feel like ending a sentence with “against” is extremely poor grammar.  I also don’t care.  Suck it, Blog.)

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m still a hot mess!

For instance!  I’ve failed to eat more than one meal a day this week, and I can see/feel myself dwindling down to the dimensions of a tween boy.  AGAIN.  I still smoke menthols, and apparently this means I’m 3 times more likely to have a stroke.  Score! I only get around to my laundry when it starts to move on its own, and my apartment looks like a team of hyperactive dwarves rampaged it, AND dirtied all the dishes while they were here.  (Dwarves eat a lot of bagels.  I don’t know if you knew that, but it’s a pretty big deal.) And of course my apartment looks like that because I’m constantly overwhelmed by the sudden appearance of a social life that I’m failing to balance with my responsibilities.  And my job?  Well, my job is fine, if you ignore the fact that I could easily be replaced by a slightly modified Roomba.  Boring work is awesome until you realize your existence serves no purpose.

But these things aren’t really bothering me, because I don’t have the mental energy to waste on worrying.  I’m overstimulated and overwhelmed and my brain is overflowing.  And it’s okay, but it’s wildly uncomfortable and I don’t know what to do with any of these shiny new thoughts I’m having now that I’ve clawed my way out of my cave.  It’s like I’ve spent the last year hiding in a bomb shelter somewhere deep in my subconscious, and the rest of my brain sent me a telegram that was like, “War’s over!  Time to go back to reality!”  So I opened the door, and now my brain’s like, WARNING.  WARNING.  601.  TOO MUCH INFO.  RETREAT.  RETREAT.

But I can’t hide, because once that door’s open, it never closes again.  I’ve  broken the seal and it’s all flooding in, and it’s scary and painful and amazing and all the other adjectives in the world, except for maybe “moist,” or “algebraic.”

(Oh, but I did think of something earlier: If teen boys have “wet dreams,” are teen girls’ late night lubrications referred to as “moist dreams”?  Because they should be.  Or maybe not because it’s gross and creepy and I actually feel a little ill now.)

Essentially I have a lot to write about, but none of it is entertaining.

Howevs, I can probably MAKE it entertaining!  If I try!  Which I probably won’t!  So maybe I’ll just open up a separate blog where we discuss feelings and give virtual hugs and maybe even “daps.”  (Is that what we’re calling fist bumps now?  Is “fist bump” just too descriptive a term for you kids these days?)

Or maybe I’ll just fuck off of here and continue to write privately until I understand everything and my life is completely balanced and I never have uncontrollable feelings again.

So like, maybe in a couple weeks, yeah?

I’m Trying to Right My Wrongs, But it’s Funny Them Same Wrongs Helped Me Write This… Post?

Hi guys!

Rather than tackle any of my Challenges, I’m gonna talk about how my night went, and you’re going to freaking deal with it, okay?

For starters, I think it’s time I get a name tag something like this:

I Had A Sweet Title, But I Forgot What It Was

HEY LADIES!

AND GENTS!

AND GENDER-NEUTRAL PROTOPLASM!

So, I complete my previous challenge.  Now I need a new one.

Happy Holidays, You Bastards

YO! Did everyone have an amazing Christmas? I DID! Except for just now when I almost choked to death on a candy cane. That wasn’t very fun. Good thing I work in a place full of nurses!

Challenge #1: Stuff I Do Now

LATE CHALLENGE-Y CHALLENGE TIME

Last week, I was challenged by my homeslice Timmy(tm) to annotate five things that I didn’t do five years ago.  I was gonna post this LAST weekend, but things got in the way.  Afroman would understand.

Howevs, I did it, and here it is!

 

In Which I Complain A Lot And Am Not Funny

And Also Capitalize Every Word In The Title Because I Keep Forgetting The Very Complex Capitalization Rules (Like Seriously, I Used To Think Anything 3 Letters Or Less Was Lower Case, Right?  But Dude, You’re Supposed To Capitalize All “Subordinate Conjunctions” But Not “Coordinate Conjunctions” And I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THOSE THINGS ARE.)

Anyhoo.

Challengers: REPORT FOR DUTY

Seeing as I now have an ungodly amount of free time and very few hobbies with which to fill it, I’ve been thinking about making regular updates to this baby.  Like, on particular days, all the time.  Weird, right?  I think I’ve heard people talk about this kind of thing before, but I’ve never seen it done.  I’m a pioneer of blogging!

The problem I’m facing is… well.  How in the hell do I publicize this if I’ve cut myself off from all forms of social networking?  I mean, I’m not trying to become famous here, but I’d at least like my friends to read my shit so they can say how funny I am and then tell me I SHOULD be famous, thus reaffirming my belief that my current lack of fame and fortune has nothing to do with talent or consistency, and everything to do with luck.

How can I do that when I don’t have access to… Anything?  Ugh, I say.  UGH.  Suddenly I’m reminded that things like Facebook serve a goddamn purpose if you want people to know about the things you do on the Internet.

I seriously do not have even one solution to this.  Unless I start texting everyone my goddamn updates, but I think I’d rather stab myself.  Getting ads on your phone from supposed friends is worse than getting drunk texts from exes.  ”Exes.”  That word looks very weird when typed.  It looks like the name of an ancient mythic sword–the only one in existence that can slice through dragon scales.  But it’s not.  All exes really do is (are?  is?  MY GRAMMAR HAS GONE DOWNHILL, GUYS) cut through your self-esteem and decision-making abilities.

But.  Um.  Yeah.  I don’t know.  If anyone can think of a solution, tell me about it!

In the meantime, I’ll start thinking of things I can do to keep myself motivated to update at least once a week.  At the moment, I think my theme will be “Shit I’m Doing Instead of the Internet.”  It’s all pretty sweet, guys.  Like, for instance, I watched the entire Black Books series in like three days.  Aaaaaand, I read a book!  Oh wait, I did that before the Internet Drought of ’11.  So… basically I watched Black Books?

I also got a decent amount of Christmas shopping done.  That was bitchin’.  I read the news, like, twice.  I also read about psychology, like, twice.  I’m a powerhouse of information browsing.

Ugh this is lame.  I should do something awesome just to write about it.  SUGGESTIONS WELCOME.

Actually, yes!  Let’s do that!  If there’s something you want me to do/write about, TELL ME AND I WILL DO IT, kay?  As long as it’s not something stupid, like setting my hand on fire or dancing around in a diaper.  REAL CHALLENGES ONLY PLZ.

Let’s say for the sake of awesomeness that if I receive a challenge that I can complete in 5 days, I will update about it on Saturday.  Deal?!

OKAY LET’S GO WITH THE COMMENTS NOW

WHAT’S THE HAPS MY FRIENDS

Now that you’ve all been updated on why I left the internet, it’s time to hear about the other shit I’m doing!  Prepare yourself for something even more boring than the recounting of my entire childhood, y’all.

Internet Breakups Part 3: What’s Happening Now, I Guess

I’m still trying to edit this shit, but I just threw my phone at a wall and I can’t find all the pieces and it makes me want to throw more things, so I probably shouldn’t be writing but I NEED TO FINISH THIS SHIT OR I NEVER WILL.

Part 1 and 2, Nutshell Edition:  I was a social cripple.  Like.  Fo serious.  I couldn’t even say “hi” without nonsensical syllables spilling from my mouth like yogurty vomit.  This fear of people, combined with a need for human interaction, drove me into the strong and loving arms of the Internet.  Little did I know, Internetz was also controlling, manipulative, hurtful, and most of all, addictive in a way that stifled my ability to make real friends.

Internet Breakups Part 2: Planting the Seeds of Pain? Or Something?

You guys, this is going to be so long.  SO.  LONG.  I keep trying to pare it down, but I wind up adding more shit.  THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF GOOD EDITING, JESS.  Welcome to part 2 of what is currently a 3-part update.

Part 1 Summary:  I quit almost all of the Internet.  I was also a super loser as a kid.  I gave a list of things that made this super clear.  If you want to point and laugh, go back and read that, but otherwise you can start here.