Challenge #1: Stuff I Do Now

LATE CHALLENGE-Y CHALLENGE TIME

Last week, I was challenged by my homeslice Timmy(tm) to annotate five things that I didn’t do five years ago.  I was gonna post this LAST weekend, but things got in the way.  Afroman would understand.

Howevs, I did it, and here it is!

 

1. CROCHET!

I learned to crochet one sleep-drunk night with my stepmom, before she was my stepmom.  She was spending the weekend at my dad’s place, and we tended to act like 12-year-old girls when this occurred.  We’d refuse to go to bed at a reasonable hour, and we’d eat lots of candy and watch movies until my dad came home around 6 AM (he worked nights) and give his disappointed face when he saw we were still conscious and giggling.  On this particular weekend, some time around midnight, we decided to make a trip to Wal-Mart to buy some yarn, some hooks, and some instructional books.  Ooh, that kinda rhymed.  It’s like the 12 Days of Crocheting!  (ugh why did I type that.  I seriously need an editor)

Two hours (and a lot of failures) later, I was about to start stabbing hooks into my eyes.  I am not built to do things that require hand-eye coordination and patience.  However, I was now determined to make the task of the dreaded Single Crochet Row slightly less irritating.  Thus began an obsession that lasted a couple years, before I moved to Seattle and it petered out like most of my interests.  (However, I live like, a block and a half away from a yarn store now, so shit might get real.)

 

2. COOK!

I was never taught to cook as a child, and since I’m in the habit of blaming my parents for everything wrong with my adult life… SCREW YOU GUYS.  But nah, I get it.  It’s cool.  My parents were self-taught amateur chefs, and I don’t think the concept of passing this down was ever really considered.  Which is good, because my cooking style differs significantly from theirs.

When I lived in South Carolina for a year and was too lazy to buy groceries, I mastered the egg.  Two years later, my stepmom (why yes, she taught me a lot of things) took on the epic task of teaching me how to cook MORE than just an egg.  And what a challenge it must have been for her, considering even trying to follow a simple recipe terrified me.

Now I have moderate pseudo-cooking skillz which I will have the chance to improve significantly once I have a KITCHEN, which I will on Friday the 23rd.  Eff yeah.

 

3. SMOKE!

Mostly because it was illegal for me five years ago.

 

4. ANSWER PHONES WHEN THEY RING!

Everyone hates the phone.  Everyone.  Okay, not everyone.  But I swear, I’ve never been in a household where people don’t do The Phone Dance when it rings.  You know the one.  Aaaaaallll the members of the house do that half-assed “I’m totally gonna get it” jig, and then wait for someone else to get closer to the ringing monstrosity so they don’t REALLY have to pick it up.  It’s very similar to The Check Dance at dinner, except instead of avoiding monetary responsibility, you’re avoiding the inherent awkwardness of speaking to a mystery caller.

Now I’m not nearly as likely to avoid phone calls.  I man up and answer that shit when it rings.  It’s a pretty big change.  This is totally not lame at all to put on a list.

Okay fine it’s lame screw you guys.

 

5. WEAR MAKEUP

Is this positive or negative?  I’m not sure.  I know there was a very long phase when I didn’t wear makeup because I was terrified of doing it wrong, followed by another long phase when I was afraid to leave the house without it.  Part of this was due to only getting male attention when my face was plastered with skin-tinted lies.

Was that attention merely due to the makeup, or was it the confidence I gained knowing I didn’t look like a SPLOTCHSTROSITY?  I’m not sure.  I do, however, know that there’s almost never a makeup-free workday where someone doesn’t comment on how “tired” I look.  This disturbs me a little.  But at least I know now that I won’t lose friends by letting them see me with clean skin, so I’m not as emotionally dependent on makeup for self-esteem.

Let’s ignore that thing where I totally put on makeup this morning, specifically because I had to get coffee and there’s usually a cute barista at that time of day.  IGNORE IT COMPLETELY.

Fuck you, Chrome.  ”Barista” is a word.  Update your goddamn dictionary once in a while.

 

Here’s where a normal person would write a conclusion, but I’m too lazy.  MERRY CHRISTMAS!