Happy Holidays, You Bastards

YO! Did everyone have an amazing Christmas? I DID! Except for just now when I almost choked to death on a candy cane. That wasn’t very fun. Good thing I work in a place full of nurses!

So, I don’t wanna brag, but I was pretty much the best at Christmas this year. I actually succeeded in buying people things before the last minute (although I waited until like, the 22nd to start wrapping and sending things, thus costing myself a metric eff-ton of money for shipping. By the way, if you want a fantastic reason to hate the world, try using the UPS site, like, ever.). I also dressed up like an elf (sort of) on Friday, and gave homemade shortbread cookies to our delivery peeps and security guards. (One of whom gave me a bottle of chocolate wine for Christmas. Dude! CHOCOLATE WINE! He totally gets me.) Everyone was all, “Awww, you’re full of Christmas cheer!” even though I was dying on the inside because a large part of me still hates Christmas and all it represents. And by that I mean what it REALLY represents to people, which is guilt and consumerism. But I tried my best to channel what I consider to be the “real meaning of Christmas,” which is being super awesome and unexpectedly nice to people to make yourself, and them, feel better for a very brief moment before you, and they, slip back into the overwhelming depression of a meaningless existence.

I got a lot of comments on my outfit. Most of them were good. One of them made no sense at all. He started by saying he’s been “seeing us everywhere” (as in, girls in Mrs. Claus outfits? Even though I was more like an elf?), and launches into a thing about seeing Mrs. Claus at a restaurant, and then getting food poisoning? And something about it tasting like cat food? AND dog food? And then he wandered away to go donate blood or something. I don’t even know. But other than that, comments were ALL POSITIVE and not crazy at all!

It was actually pretty goddamn awesome, though. It’s the first time since childhood that I’ve felt genuinely warm and squishy inside because of the holidays.

Guys, I just almost hit someone in the face with my badge. I AM BAD AT MY JOB.

On Christmas Eve, my brother helped me move my shit from my old apartment to my new one, and I was struck by how small my pile o’ boxes looked in comparison to my ginormous apartment (which is actually just normal-sized, but like I’ve mentioned, my old place is a box). The place echoes like crazy, and without a lamp in my living room, it’s dark as hell and just so… empty. But I was strangely comfortable with it, because there’s potential for a home here. I haven’t felt like I could have a home since I left my old home. It’s definitely time to stop living in limbo and actually commit to this life I’m stuck with for however much longer I’m not dead.

By the way, if you’re reading this and live in the general vicinity of Seattle, you will be coming over at some point. You have no choice in the matter. I may not have furniture yet, but we can sit on boxes and drink cheap liquor and listen to terrible music and talk about things! All of which we couldn’t do in my old apartment because PEOPLE DIDN’T FIT IN THERE.

Also, as my friend Wayne pointed out, it’s a lot more comfortable when you aren’t always three feet away from the bathroom door. Especially when someone’s trying to quietly vomit. (Yeah, that was me. Wild Blue beer + probably the flu = a really awkward night for everyone.)

Speaking of beer, I now live within really easy walking distance of an awesome brewery (I haven’t been there yet, but I’ve had multiple people ask me if I’m near it, which means it must be ballah)! AND a pub with a really cool name!

Sorry guys, I’m hella excited about this apartment, so you’ll probably hear a lot of unnecessary details about it in the coming weeks.

This update has no theme or meaning, but I hope you enjoyed it I guess?!

MERRY NEW YEAR, HAPPY ECZEMA, whatever else there is? Kwanzaa, I guess! I kinda feel like Kwanzaa has become a parody of itself and people only celebrate it ironically now. Maybe that’s not true at all and I just hang out with assholes. I don’t know. Either way, enjoy the last week of your year, however you may choose to celebrate it. WOOP WOOP!