Internet Breakups Part 3: What’s Happening Now, I Guess

I’m still trying to edit this shit, but I just threw my phone at a wall and I can’t find all the pieces and it makes me want to throw more things, so I probably shouldn’t be writing but I NEED TO FINISH THIS SHIT OR I NEVER WILL.

Part 1 and 2, Nutshell Edition:  I was a social cripple.  Like.  Fo serious.  I couldn’t even say “hi” without nonsensical syllables spilling from my mouth like yogurty vomit.  This fear of people, combined with a need for human interaction, drove me into the strong and loving arms of the Internet.  Little did I know, Internetz was also controlling, manipulative, hurtful, and most of all, addictive in a way that stifled my ability to make real friends.

Internet Breakups Part 2: Planting the Seeds of Pain? Or Something?

You guys, this is going to be so long.  SO.  LONG.  I keep trying to pare it down, but I wind up adding more shit.  THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF GOOD EDITING, JESS.  Welcome to part 2 of what is currently a 3-part update.

Part 1 Summary:  I quit almost all of the Internet.  I was also a super loser as a kid.  I gave a list of things that made this super clear.  If you want to point and laugh, go back and read that, but otherwise you can start here.

Internet Breakups: Part 1

Wanna hear a story?  A story of a girl who limited her internet usage, only to discover at least a third of her day was being eaten by social networking?

NO, because that’s a story told by practically everyone who decides to “quit” Facebook.  But I’m going to tell it anyway, because it’s NEW TO ME, fuckers.

Well. I Kinda Meant It.

Okay, guys. Obviously I didn’t make my deadline for writing, okay? But don’t point it out. I don’t need it right now. I JUST DON’T NEED IT.

I’ll have you know I DEFINITELY quit smoking, and completely failed to stop drinking coffee. Like. Failed miserably. But it’s okay, because I’m not inhaling ash on a daily basis, so it all evens out, right?

Yeah, that’s right. Making two goals and failing one of them somehow evens out in my mind. That’s how I roll.

No Really Guys, I Mean It

I know what you guys are thinking about this thing where I’m all, “I’m going to blog regularly, and this time on a topic I found intensely boring until a few months ago!  I’LL TOTALLY STICK WITH IT, THOUGH, FO REELZ!”

And you’re all, “Oh really, Jess? And last time, when you were going to blog about moving to a new city? How’s that going? You’ve been there 6 months now, so it’s not really a new city anymore.  I guess you’re not doing that anymore. But it’s cool.  Go ahead and blog about your health! Give us regular updates on your life! Or, you know, you could just sit around in pajamas and listen to ‘Little Secrets’ over and over and over again while browsing Twitter. In fact, you should probably just do that, because if you disappoint yourself one more time it might be the final straw, and you’ll actually change your apathetic, procrastinating ways!”