Challengers: REPORT FOR DUTY

Seeing as I now have an ungodly amount of free time and very few hobbies with which to fill it, I’ve been thinking about making regular updates to this baby.  Like, on particular days, all the time.  Weird, right?  I think I’ve heard people talk about this kind of thing before, but I’ve never seen it done.  I’m a pioneer of blogging!

The problem I’m facing is… well.  How in the hell do I publicize this if I’ve cut myself off from all forms of social networking?  I mean, I’m not trying to become famous here, but I’d at least like my friends to read my shit so they can say how funny I am and then tell me I SHOULD be famous, thus reaffirming my belief that my current lack of fame and fortune has nothing to do with talent or consistency, and everything to do with luck.

How can I do that when I don’t have access to… Anything?  Ugh, I say.  UGH.  Suddenly I’m reminded that things like Facebook serve a goddamn purpose if you want people to know about the things you do on the Internet.

I seriously do not have even one solution to this.  Unless I start texting everyone my goddamn updates, but I think I’d rather stab myself.  Getting ads on your phone from supposed friends is worse than getting drunk texts from exes.  ”Exes.”  That word looks very weird when typed.  It looks like the name of an ancient mythic sword–the only one in existence that can slice through dragon scales.  But it’s not.  All exes really do is (are?  is?  MY GRAMMAR HAS GONE DOWNHILL, GUYS) cut through your self-esteem and decision-making abilities.

But.  Um.  Yeah.  I don’t know.  If anyone can think of a solution, tell me about it!

In the meantime, I’ll start thinking of things I can do to keep myself motivated to update at least once a week.  At the moment, I think my theme will be “Shit I’m Doing Instead of the Internet.”  It’s all pretty sweet, guys.  Like, for instance, I watched the entire Black Books series in like three days.  Aaaaaand, I read a book!  Oh wait, I did that before the Internet Drought of ’11.  So… basically I watched Black Books?

I also got a decent amount of Christmas shopping done.  That was bitchin’.  I read the news, like, twice.  I also read about psychology, like, twice.  I’m a powerhouse of information browsing.

Ugh this is lame.  I should do something awesome just to write about it.  SUGGESTIONS WELCOME.

Actually, yes!  Let’s do that!  If there’s something you want me to do/write about, TELL ME AND I WILL DO IT, kay?  As long as it’s not something stupid, like setting my hand on fire or dancing around in a diaper.  REAL CHALLENGES ONLY PLZ.

Let’s say for the sake of awesomeness that if I receive a challenge that I can complete in 5 days, I will update about it on Saturday.  Deal?!

OKAY LET’S GO WITH THE COMMENTS NOW

Well. I Kinda Meant It.

Okay, guys. Obviously I didn’t make my deadline for writing, okay? But don’t point it out. I don’t need it right now. I JUST DON’T NEED IT.

I’ll have you know I DEFINITELY quit smoking, and completely failed to stop drinking coffee. Like. Failed miserably. But it’s okay, because I’m not inhaling ash on a daily basis, so it all evens out, right?

Yeah, that’s right. Making two goals and failing one of them somehow evens out in my mind. That’s how I roll.

No Really Guys, I Mean It

I know what you guys are thinking about this thing where I’m all, “I’m going to blog regularly, and this time on a topic I found intensely boring until a few months ago!  I’LL TOTALLY STICK WITH IT, THOUGH, FO REELZ!”

And you’re all, “Oh really, Jess? And last time, when you were going to blog about moving to a new city? How’s that going? You’ve been there 6 months now, so it’s not really a new city anymore.  I guess you’re not doing that anymore. But it’s cool.  Go ahead and blog about your health! Give us regular updates on your life! Or, you know, you could just sit around in pajamas and listen to ‘Little Secrets’ over and over and over again while browsing Twitter. In fact, you should probably just do that, because if you disappoint yourself one more time it might be the final straw, and you’ll actually change your apathetic, procrastinating ways!”

Oh, the Humanity!

So. This is a blog. In fact, it’s yet another blog in a very long list of blogs. Signing up for blog sites with the intention of frequenting them is a bad habit I’ve had since I was about 12. I’ve tried to fight it, but like AIDS, or Gremlins, it always comes back. I’ve finally given in and let the obsession take me.

This time, however, I’ve signed up for a blog for a reason. Well, sort of. See, my real website is down. Permanently.

Why is it down “permanently,” you ask? Is it because I can no longer afford to have my own domain name? Well, in actuality, I could never afford my own domain name. And that’s why my dad was paying for it. Unbeknownst to me, the subscription was automatically renewing itself, and billing his account instead of mine. Oops!

Recently, however, his card expired, and stupid GoDaddy sent me an e-mail asking for its money. I was all, “Whatchu all up in my business ’bout, GoDaddy? I’s been payin’ you on time since the day we MADE this deal.” Which was partially true, except for the fact that I wasn’t the one paying, and I don’t talk like a wigger. Nor do I talk to inanimate objects and/or non-personified domain hosts. Okay, maybe I do. I forgot my point.

Anyway. I no longer have a web domain. This loss has cut me deep, but I’ll try to move on, via self-destructive behavior and writing poems about the darkness in my soul. I’ve already got three notebooks full of them. You can’t read them, though; not because they’re private, but because they’re written in black ink on black paper. It’s the only way I could truly portray how dark, and black, and… dark I feel inside.

Now that the lengthy explanation for why I’m here is out of the way, I guess I’ll introduce myself.

Hi! I’m Jess. I obsessively peel the labels off things. Every time I read something in “quotation marks,” I do air quotes with my fingers, even when I’m reading silently. Sometimes I find my panties in very odd, public places. I have absolutely no reason to live at any given moment, but I do so anyway. Then I write about it.

I’ll see y’all soon.