Run #1

(written on 11/5/14)

Got home, cracked a beer, suddenly remembered I was supposed to start Couch to 5K today.  I ALREADY REGRET THIS.

Come on.  Jess.  It’s gonna be TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE.  If you can’t handle this, you should probably just pour lemon juice in your eyes.  As… punishment?  Motivation?  Both!  ONE AND THE SAME, SIR.

Do I even fucking OWN running clothes?  I think I do.  When was the last time I did this?  Oh right, when Sarah gave me this sweet running jacket.  THREE FREAKIN’ YEARS AGO.  Back when my lungs could not yet feel the cumulative damage of cigarettes.  WHOOPS.

You think I can use an e-garette while running?  I bet the professionals would advise against it, but they’d probably advise against finishing this beer, too.  What can I say?  I’m a rebel, folks.  Also it’ll lose its carbonation.  So.  Logic.

I will use this time to make a sweet running playlist.  First track–MIRACLE MILE.  Or, more like Miracle Third of a Mile.

YEAH. MOTHERLICKING LIST.  21 minutes long.  ALMOST PERFECT, just like most of my excuses not to do this.

Running out of ways to stall.  LET’S GO.

Holy shit, you guys. YOU GUYS.  That was…  not nearly as bad as I expected?!


  • Wheeeere the hell should I go?   SHOULD HAVE PLANNED BETTER.  Everything but California Ave is dark as shit.   Also wet and slippery.  WHOOPS.
  • My regular walk, I think, is a normal person’s brisk walk, so MY brisk walk is maybe closer to how I should be jogging?
  • Super glad this app is shouting when it’s time to run/walk, because counting seconds would be lame as crap.
  • My playlist didn’t include warm-up and cool-down times.  Didn’t realize this till song 4 of 5 ended, and she’s like “Halfway there!” and I shouted expletives and tried to strangle my phone with my earbud cord.
  • The halfway mark that I thought was the 4/5ths mark was really the only part where I was like “fuck this.”  Well, actually, I kinda got close to a “fuck this” during every jog period, until I reminded myself that this program is not called COUCH TO OLYMPIC SPRINTER WITH SHIN SPLINTS.
  • Turns out pacing is important, like every single goddamn human on earth has said since the dawn of the word “pacing.”  WHO KNEW.
  • I kept thinking it was almost over, too, so I’d be like “I’ll give a little extra for the last run cycle!”  But tbh I’m pretty happy I did, because I don’t feel overextended at all.  In fact, it was kinda… too easy?!


I’ll probably barely be able to move tomorrow.  But right now I’m feeling COCKY AS SHIT.

And apparently I ranwalked 2 miles! 2 MILES!  That means close to 1 mile was ACTUAL JOGGING.  I mean, that’s pretty rad to me.  I’m RADDED THE HECK OUT, considering I haven’t done legit cardio in yeeeeeeeeeeears, and it also only took 20 minutes?  Wait.  30, technically.  Okay fine so that’s less impressive.  Shut up, I don’t need you.  You don’t even KNOW me.

So, uh, yeah.  MORE ON FRIDAY I GUESS?!?!?!!!?!?!?!!?1


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