It’s been a rough week, y’all. My mindset is extremely fragile when I first make changes. One thing goes wrong, and the internal monologue does a 180. “Yeah, sure, Jess. It’ll get better one day, right? How many years have you been telling yourself that? Do you REALLY think you’re capable of change? Get real. This is just the top of the Ferris wheel you’ve been riding since birth. The ground is approaching again. Don’t put yourself through the torture of pretending you won’t fall this time.”
So, that happened on Friday. And no matter how many times I tell myself those thoughts aren’t real, all I can actively recall are my recent mistakes. The hours I’ve wasted not doing what I need to do. (Which, when calculated, is essentially all of them?)
Then I said, “if I at least run this weekend, that’s one thing I’m doing right.”
And then I didn’t run.
So. Here we are. Monday morning after another wasted weekend. Another 48 hours I spent torturing myself over every task I refused to complete, even as I was actively refusing to complete them.
If I let this beat me every time, I WILL be stuck forever. So, I guess I’m doing this tonight. I guess. And maybe I’ll feel better afterward and maybe I won’t, but at least it will be done, and then I can move onto convincing myself it was a waste of time due to all the more pressing tasks I haven’t completed yet.
I was just gonna listen to MSI’s latest album because it matches by mood (semi-ironic tween angst: ENGAGE), but making playlists motivates me, so, here it is.
I’m sad that the embedded Spotify cuts off my super great extra hilarious not at all terrible playlist titles, but THAT’S LIFE I GUESS.
Do any of y’all have exercise playlists? I’d love to get some new blood circulating. I am so awful about hitting repeat on the same 50 songs, sometimes for months.
Comfort in habits, I guess. Same shit, different media form.
it’s freaking 7:45 and i just got hoooooooome from wooooooooooork UUUGGGGHHHH
Tomorrow doesn’t exist. Tomorrow doesn’t exist. Tomorrow doesn’t exist.
“but i’ll just wake up early and–” really, though? REALLY? You’re definitely gonna wake up with more than 4 minutes to put on pants and run to the bus. YOU, Jessica Emsley, are gonna do that.
HAVE YOU MET YOU LATELY?
Okay. Fine. I’m dressed. It has to happen now. After I catch up on my YouTube subscriptions.
Again, as always, NOT THAT BAD. This was the first day of week 2, so the routine was amped up a bit, but it was perfect. I felt challenged, but not overextended. I’m looking forward to seeing where I’m at by week 3.
When I’m actively running, I keep telling myself, “See? You’re enjoying this. Try to remember THIS part, and not the 2+ minutes of mild discomfort you first experience, yeah? Seriously, YOU ACTUALLY LIKE THIS.” There were a few oh-my-god-what-is-my-calf-about-to-do-to-me moments, but I stopped occasionally to loosen up a bit, and it was fine, if maybe a little risky. I need to not injure myself right now, or I’ll give up forever.
My playlist was a minefield of nostalgia and self-loathing, and I found myself thinking deeper than on previous runs. I clawed my way through some of the darker thoughts that were crushing me this weekend, while the endorphins kept me safely afloat. I felt… okay. Not great, but okay for the first time since Friday afternoon. And the idea that something other than a mind-altering substance might make me feel okay for a minute? That’s not small. This has huge implications that I clearly need to explore.
Physically, though? I need to do calf stretches. I need to be EXTRA careful with my left ankle, which I twisted simply walking home from work. My ankles hate, hate, hate the cold.
I also might consider investing in some new shoes sooner than expected, due to my arches feeling like they want to have a crap-spasm. I could just jam some of those arch support thingies in there, though? We’ll see!
Week 2, day 1: CONQUERED. Screw you, Imaginary Tomorrow. I beat your ASS.