Run #6: RUNS OF STEEL. No. What. I don’t know.

I haven’t done this in a few days, but I shoved some arch crap in my shoes and I’m wearing my “I’m What Willis Was Talkin’ ‘Bout” shirt, so basically, I CAN’T LOSE.

I didn’t lose.

I ran, I walked, I ran, I walked, I came home.  It felt good, as always.  I scared the everloving shit out of a dude who was coming onto the sidewalk from his house, and we both felt like assholes, ha ha.  At least neither of us were huge or scary-looking people.  Or gun owners, I guess.  Probably?!

Is it fair to assume someone with an adorable dog doesn’t own a gun?  ALMOST DEFINITELY NOT, but too late, I’ve already profiled a stranger based on pet choice.

I seriously need to figure out wtf to do about my calves being jerks, though.  I’ve always had issues with calf cramps.  I guess stretches and potassium are the way to go.

Part of the issue with “getting healthy,” for me, is that I can’t seem to eat anything before noon.  There are very specific things I can occasionally stomach, but everything sounds extremely unappetizing to me.  Even cereal, and I FREAKING LOVE CEREAL.

For a while I was drinking coconut water with pulp every morning, and that worked for potassium/light calorie intake.  I’ll give it another go.

I’m feeling kind of crappy today, due to a lot of frigged up work/personal responsibilities.  I go through phases where I push all the limits of laziness.  I always say, “I’ll get it together when other people start to notice.”

But it turns out other people notice things long before they mention it to you.  So then I discover everyone’s “known” for weeks, and there’s growing tension surrounding me.

Not doing any of my shit to begin with might be a sign of depression, but I usually feel okay at that point.  It’s when other people stop feeling okay about me that almost always triggers the self-loathing and shame.  Which triggers more avoidance.  Which triggers more shame.  Which… y’all know the drill.

I guess I’m writing about this because it forces me to acknowledge that it’s happening again.

It would be super rad to silence the voices telling me I’ll always be a willfully shitty person, but I can’t seem to do that.  All I can do is admit that I am where I am, I’ve fucked up a lot, and I may or may not unbury myself this time.

even if you do, it will happen again 

YEAH THANKS I KNOW THAT, but hey, why eat if I’ll ever be hungry again, and why sleep if I’ll be tired tomorrow night?

actually maybe you should stop doing those things t–SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP.

I haven’t totally stopped running.  So.  That’s something.  That’s real.  It doesn’t feel like it matters, but I know it does.

Here’s a guinea pig with a shopping cart.

this dude gets it

2 thoughts on “Run #6: RUNS OF STEEL. No. What. I don’t know.

    • Ha ha, I just saw this comment. Dude. “Buns of Steel” WAS THE JOKE I WAS MAKING, why are you apologizing for my bad pun, WHY

      PUNS of steel, ha ha, jokes

      Anyway, no I don’t because I’m an idiot, but I definitely will tonight because my calves suck and apparently my ass is easily breakable.

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