Looking for Love in All of Your Bases

Figured I’d title my entry about hecka outdated relationship advice with a hecka outdated internet joke.  YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD.

I found this super great and not at all terrible article while Googling some song lyrics, and boy howdy, am I glad I did!  It’s all about how to date online, but for LADIES ONLY.  Lots of great tips to work with.  I’m gonna try it all out on my boyfriend of 3 years to see if I can retcon him into loving me.  Lord knows, all my honesty and communication has ruined it for him already, but a girl’s gotta try.

And there’s a book, too!  AN ENTIRE BOOK OF THESE TIPS.  Brb buying twelve copies right now so I can surround myself with them and try to absorb the information through osmosis while also reading it with my eye-brains.

Don’t tell a man you checked his profile, even if you did.  As a Rules girl, you are too busy to be memorizing men’s ads, remember?  Even though you did.

Fair point well-made, article.  Going strong, right out of the gates.

FACT:  Dating is all about lying.  If you show that you’re specifically interested in ONE GUY, you run the risk of forming a meaningful connection without the haze of dishonesty that would otherwise keep him on edge, unable to shake the discomfort and loneliness he feels when he’s around you.  We can’t have that!  How else can you trick him into spending all his time and money trying to earn the feelings you secretly already have for him?

Also, don’t ask questions about his work.  It’s an obvious ploy to find out how much money he makes and if he will be a good provider.

Right?!  Finally, someone gets me.  I can’t imagine a single reason I’d want to know what a man does for 30% of his life.  I don’t care if he enjoys it, if he’s passionate about it, or if his experiences have shaped him in any way.  I mean, really.  Someone’s choice in career tells you NOTHING about them, other than how many cars they might buy you.

GOD, I love a man who buys me cars.  Lots and lots of cars.  I don’t drive, but I like to sit in them and play with the wheel and make “vroom” sounds.  While drinking champagne.  Which he also bought me.

As long as I never show interest in where the money comes from, or what Hell he might go through to earn it, he’ll never suspect that I’m only in it for the paycheck.  Phew!  Dodged THAT bullet.

E-mailing a man twice in a row is the antithesis of being light and breezy.

STRAIGHT TALK.  The more ways I can be described like a fart, the better.

If you get any angry e-mails back, such as “I want more than three sentences from someone I would want to date, someone open and honest, no games,” hit the delete button.

That’s…  reasonable.  Like.  Genuinely reasonable.  This article said something reasonable.

Maybe I SHOULD try to be more like a fart?

Though really, calling someone out on being a manipulative sociopath is less “wrong,” and more “a profound waste of everyone’s time.”

For the first three months, do not initiate e-mails

Holy SHIT, you people court online for a long time.

Month four, though, it’s okay to show him your tits.  And maybe start acting like a human being with thoughts and feelings instead of a mysterious fictional character to be idolized and won like a trophy.


But the tits thing is definitely a go.

If you had a bad day, your job is on the line, money problems, health scare, and so on, do not weave it into your e-mail conversations as a way of bonding with this man. …it will make the average man think “Nut case!” or “Who wants to hear her problems?”

God, right?  SPOT ON AGAIN, ARTICLE.  When I think of relationships, I think of spending several lonely hours a night with a near stranger, sitting in silence as we both viciously clamp down on any thoughts or feelings that might cause the other person to briefly empathize with us.  Relationships are about having uncomfortable, clunky sex (Don’t communicate what you want in the bedroom, ladies.  He might start to think you have a human brain and body), quietly eating in the same room, and occasionally drinking champagne in one of the cars in your floating space garage.

PROTIP:  If you don’t have a floating space garage by month 8, delete all the tit pics you sent during month 4.

After three or four months, you can initiate one quick fun e-mail – such as a joke, or something that made you think of him, but nothing about sex, just a small innocent e-mail.


Oh well.

Seriously, how fucking long do they play this game before actually meeting someone?  Is there somewhere in The Rules that insists on a year-long e-mail thread–MOSTLY HIM, because you can’t respond to jokes or compliments–before you accept a fucking date?  What happens, after months and months of convincing someone you’re a soulless husk with no flaws or personality traits of any kind, they realize you’re a complete whack job who just compulsively lied for a year?

Marriage, I guess?

Unfortunately, you cannot attract (a soul mate) by writing the word down any more than you can attract wealth by writing down the word “money.”

HOLD THE PHONE, ARTICLE.  Because people still hold phones.  At least in the permanent time warp you seem to be stuck in, uhh… Elaine, I wanna say?

Dudes who try to win you over with money probably WANT someone to admit that they’re looking for money, right?  Because, ya know. HOW THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU FIND EACH OTHER.  I guess by telling a series of elaborate lies that half-assedly disguise your intentions, thus turning every date into an awkward, unspoken bargain?

Lady:  I don’t care about your personality.  I just want access to your bank account.

Dude:  Hey, I don’t care about your personality, either!  I just want you to have sex with me for any price!  Do you know how many women I’ve dated who seem weirdly unimpressed when I pour a $1200 bottle of wine on the floor and make the waiter lap it up like a dog?

BOOM.  Now you’ve found a sugar daddy, AND the closest thing to a soul mate that exists for your kind.  Congrats! Honesty pays off again!

So, here’s the song I was originally looking for.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


2 thoughts on “Looking for Love in All of Your Bases

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