Marijuana Doesn’t Actually Cure Everything?!

(My titling game is as strong as ever, obvi.)

Hi guys!  GUESS WHAT?

Shortly after quitting social media, I got STUPIDLY SICK FOR 2 WEEKS.

Which means, on top of giving up my internetzzzz, I also gave up smoking and drinking and marijuana which I guess is also smoking, except I use a vaporizer, so.  SO.

Basically, 100% of my bandages were torn off simultaneously, due to circumstance.  IT WAS GREAT, and by great I mean terrible, and by terrible I mean not that bad, actually!

Like, it was weirdly fine.  WEIRDLY FINE.

I thought the ol’ cigs would be harder to quit, but it was pretty easy, because smoking when you’re sick is the WORST thing.

So not smoking was fine.  Not drinking was fine too, though I’m tentatively back on(off?) that wagon now.

Not smoking weed was, you know…  a thing I stopped doing largely because I ran out, and then I didn’t buy more, because Sickness.

And that’s the thing I’m here to talk about!

Y’all, I have been a pretty consistent stoner for A COUPLE YEARS now.

You wouldn’t know it, necessarily.  I mean, yeah, I smoke, but not… a lot?  Very little, by comparison to basically everyone I know who identifies as a stoner.  But it’s the frequency, not the quantity, that makes it hard for me to quit.  I find myself taking at least a couple hits almost every evening, thus definitely putting it in the Habitual Behavior category.

In my opinion, the dumbest thing to come from the push for legalization—which, don’t get me wrong, I SUPPORT IN FULL—is that all the stoners get together and talk about good old Mary J. Blige like it’s an instant cure for every-fucking-thing that’s ever happened to anyone ever.

I’m guilty of it too, y’all.  People make weed sound like MAGIC, and it’s easy to get sucked into that.  It’s the coconut oil of the druggie community, and let’s face it, us gullible hipsters have all used coconut oil for some dumb shit just because we read about it on HuffPo.

So, you struggle with:

  • Anxiety?
  • Depression?
  • ADHD?
  • Insomnia?
  • Nausea?
  • Chronic pain?
  • Headaches?
  • Cramps?
  • Strong dislike of bologna?

Well, marijuana can fix all of that!!!!  If only The Man wasn’t keeping us down, we wouldn’t even NEED prescription medications, am I right?!?!

Meanwhile, actual science hasn’t caught up with the majority of these claims.

Oh, but it will, right?  Totally.  Definitely.  The only reason marijuana hasn’t been PROVEN to cure every single ailment is because legal issues have prevented the research, right?  It all comes back to The Man.  You know.  The one who keeps us down.  And stuff.  #NaturalRemedies, #420BlazeIt, #IJustTriedToReadAMapUpsideDownAndLaughedFor25Minutes.

Here’s the fucking thing, dawgs.  Dosing matters.  Clinical trials MATTER.  We NEED scientific evidence.

Hey, if you say something helps?  THAT’S COOL.  But remember, people used to think (enter any goddamn thing we thought made medical sense until approximately last week), and look at how we laugh at them now!  You know what made them believe in that thing?  THE SAME KIND OF ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE YOU JUST GAVE ME ABOUT WEED.

I’m sorry brah, but I’ve seen you take massive bong rips, mute The Wizard of Oz, and spend 20 minutes trying to figure out why Pink Floyd’s The Wall isn’t matching up like you thought it would.  (Ha ha, idiot.  You’re supposed to use Wish You Were Here.)  I’m not buying your magic cure-all drug stories, aight?

Maybe if you’d told me brought up this magic solution when you WEREN’T trying to build a fort out of Chicken McNuggets boxes, I’d be more inclined to believe you.  But, as it stands, this shit looks WAY more recreational than it does medicinal.

Even the specific ailments it has been shown to help with, don’t work for everyone.

Some people who claim it cures their anxiety find themselves toking up and getting super paranoid that the pizza delivery guy is a serial killer.

Some people who use it to treat depression feel great until they sober up, and suddenly the depression is even worse.

Yes, it helps you sleep.  But it also suppresses your REM cycle, meaning your sleep is of lower quality.

Just like every-fucking-other medication on the planet, it should be prescribed on a case-by-case basis, in doses that are proven to be effective.  You can’t just blanket prescribe one thing to everyone and tell them to use it as much as they want.  (Especially when that thing is also super fun and makes ketchup sandwiches delicious.)

I mean, I’m not naysaying marijuana on the whole.  I love weed, guys.  LOVE it.  I would pick it over alcohol any day of the week.  It’s my best bud.  OH MY GOD THAT WAS NOT AN INTENTIONAL JOKE I’M SO SORRY.

It’s also one of the only things that helps me eat and sleep, which makes it extra hard for me to stop entirely.  In the last couple weeks of not getting stoned, I can already see/feel that I’ve lost weight, and going to bed has become kind of a nightmare.

Except nightmares require unconsciousness.  So.  A daymare?  A night…wake?  I DON’T KNOW MAN.

BUT.  When I say it’s “one of the only things” that helps, what I actually mean is “the only thing that requires zero effort or lifestyle adjustment.”

Other ways I could eat and sleep better:

  • Quit caffeine.
  • Quit beer.
  • Fit in an hour of cardio a day.
  • …Meditate or some shit?

THAT’S BASICALLY IT. I know this from having done these things in the past, and suddenly, holy crap, I CAN SLEEP AND EAT AGAIN.

Conclusion: I could put hella effort in and change all these things at once, and I’d feel great within a week.

But.  See. Weed fixes all my shit at once with no effort, while also being super fun and delicious.  Well.  Fun, at least.

Unfortunately, weed ALSO turns me into a bag of human garbage who does nothing but watch TV she hates and put cheese on stuff that doesn’t need cheese.

Like.  Guys.  I watched three seasons of Once Upon a Time in the span of about two weeks.


I was all, “OUAT, I wish I knew how to quit you, lol!!!!!”  I probably would have set up a fan Tumblr, but I didn’t have time, what with all the grated cheddar I needed to sprinkle over strawberries.

Now I try to watch one episode sober, and I’m just like…  What the fuck is wrong with me.  This is CLEARLY written for pre-teens, and also, everyone’s outfits are stupid.

I know exactly how to quit you.

Basically, being stoned means I don’t do any of the things that I am required to do to make myself feel better naturally.  It’s a self-inflicted Catch-22 for idiot people.

So, guys.  What do I do?  I don’t fucking know.  This isn’t an advice blog.  I’m just complaining about my own bad decisions, and hoping someone hops in with a solution that is only marginally more challenging than, say, getting high and reading the list of nicknames Flavor Flav gave the girls on his reality shows.

If you have any ideas, let me know!  That’s all!  PLEASE CARRY ON WITH YOUR FUNCTIONAL LIVES.


6 thoughts on “Marijuana Doesn’t Actually Cure Everything?!

  1. Perhaps you are experiencing an onset of “cooped up self-analysis syndrome” or CUSS.

    People showing symptoms of CUSS include, but are not limited to:

    Blurting profanity
    Choosing parts of their live to pick apart
    Unnatural use of diary products
    Binge Television program viewing
    Heart palpitations
    Talking to inanimate objects
    Waiting on responses from said objects

    Life is shit when you are CUSSed out. Fortunately, there is Fuckitol.

    Fuckitol is a revolutionary drug previously used for failed marriages, now on the market and approved by the FDA for CUSS and SMAC (Social Media Abstinence Condition)

    With Fuckitol, those pesky problem behaviors are a thing of the past…

    One a more serious note, I suffer from several Arthritic conditions and have been put on every fucking medication you can imagine. Side effects from dry mouth so bad your tongue cracks and bleeds, to wanting to peel my own flesh off the bone. No thank you. I know exactly which strains take care of which conditions I suffer from, and without the pot, my next choice for long term pain was methadone. Yeah, I said methadone,

    The VA loves to give that shit out like candy. And, after the trip down opiate lane, that is where they landed to help me deal. Walking through life on a regular dose of methadone. No thanks, Ill toke instead.

    Oh, and before all this shit started deteriorating my skin suit, I had only ever smoked pot twice. It wasn’t my thing. If I wanted to do drugs, there is always LSD, but that is another story for another time.

    All that to be said, you are in a place where you are making lots of changes and looking at many things with fresh eyes. Don’t go to the extreme of making all of the changes. A few here and there are great for continued improvement as a person. Too many will put you into chaos. That was the royal you, not you specifically.

    Or, you could just hang out with someone who smokes way more than you and you can feel like your smoking isn’t as much as some others. Kinda like standing next to a bunch of people less attractive so you look better…Yeah that was kinda off, but you get the gist.

    If you feel like your smoking is keeping you from doing things, then cut back; If your lack of motivation is still there, or whatever the issue is at the time, than perhaps it isn’t Mary Jane that is pulling at your red ponytail slowing you down.

    Give it a shot, or don’t.

    Sitting there surrounded by cheese remnants and used kleenex will put your head in crazy places.

  2. Nailed it.

    In case you’re actually asking for advice, could you keep smoking weed and gradually start adding those things you listed? And then, after you’re at a point where you think you might be sleeping and eating better even if you didn’t smoke, ease off the grass?

    • The other great thing about me as a person is that once I’m stoned, I’m like. “I’m gonna stay this way until I am dead. And by dead I mean sleep.” Cutting back is… challenging, because it requires me to convince my stoner brain that more weed is not good for me.

      However! I’m gonna start gradually doing all the other stuff anyway, and then maybe the urge to get stoned at all will ease off because I’m actually slightly okay with myself as a person. Ha ha. #Uplifting.

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