Yesterday while I was running, on purpose, and not because I was being chased, I considered for the infinity-eth time why I never stick with any positive changes.
I made a joke recently about how I’ve built my life around the goal of not having any responsibilities, and then I realized WHOAMG THAT’S NOT A JOKE AT ALL.
“No one wants to hear about your failures.”
It’s probably true, but I’m tired of the might-as-well-give-up-on-this-too spiral. So here I am. Writing about how I’ve failed. Again.
I had a good weekend. I hid in a cabin with The Fam and abused my internal organs between extended naps. Now it’s Monday, and my feels are a little like this:
I haven’t done this in a few days, but I shoved some arch crap in my shoes and I’m wearing my “I’m What Willis Was Talkin’ ‘Bout” shirt, so basically, I CAN’T LOSE.
I’ve always had a complicated relationship with my gender. Or, more specifically, the implications often aimed at my gender.
I’ve never questioned my gender identity. I’ve always considered myself very much female. But this is something I often hated about myself. I was raised to believe that any feminine traits–strong emotions, in particular–are at best useless, and at worst, slowly ruining every part of society.
I keep writing my updates in Notepad and then accidentally pasting over them. And since Notepad only has one “undo,” it’s like NAWP, CANNOT RETRIEVE ENTRY. We can delete and re-type the letter “A” over and over, though! Are you into that? Is that helpful?
“hey jess have you considered using a real text editor?” I HAVE MY REASONS, THEORETICAL FRENEMY.