Marijuana Doesn’t Actually Cure Everything?!

(My titling game is as strong as ever, obvi.)

Hi guys!  GUESS WHAT?

Shortly after quitting social media, I got STUPIDLY SICK FOR 2 WEEKS.

Which means, on top of giving up my internetzzzz, I also gave up smoking and drinking and marijuana which I guess is also smoking, except I use a vaporizer, so.  SO.

Basically, 100% of my bandages were torn off simultaneously, due to circumstance.  IT WAS GREAT, and by great I mean terrible, and by terrible I mean not that bad, actually!

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Run #5: Jess Can’t Copy-Paste Vurr Well

I keep writing my updates in Notepad and then accidentally pasting over them.  And since Notepad only has one “undo,” it’s like NAWP, CANNOT RETRIEVE ENTRY.  We can delete and re-type the letter “A” over and over, though!  Are you into that?  Is that helpful?

“hey jess have you considered using a real text editor?” I HAVE MY REASONS, THEORETICAL FRENEMY.

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Run #4: This Snowball’s Chances are Fantastic

It’s been a rough week, y’all.  My mindset is extremely fragile when I first make changes.  One thing goes wrong, and the internal monologue does a 180.  “Yeah, sure, Jess.  It’ll get better one day, right?  How many years have you been telling yourself that?  Do you REALLY think you’re capable of change?  Get real.  This is just the top of the Ferris wheel you’ve been riding since birth.  The ground is approaching again.  Don’t put yourself through the torture of pretending you won’t fall this time.”

So, that happened on Friday.  And no matter how many times I tell myself those thoughts aren’t real, all I can actively recall are my recent mistakes.  The hours I’ve wasted not doing what I need to do.  (Which, when calculated, is essentially all of them?)

Then I said, “if I at least run this weekend, that’s one thing I’m doing right.”

And then I didn’t run.

So.  Here we are.  Monday morning after another wasted weekend.  Another 48 hours I spent torturing myself over every task I refused to complete, even as I was actively refusing to complete them.

If I let this beat me every time, I WILL be stuck forever.  So, I guess I’m doing this tonight.  I guess.  And maybe I’ll feel better afterward and maybe I won’t, but at least it will be done, and then I can move onto convincing myself it was a waste of time due to all the more pressing tasks I haven’t completed yet.

HOO BOY.

I was just gonna listen to MSI’s latest album because it matches by mood (semi-ironic tween angst: ENGAGE), but making playlists motivates me, so, here it is.

I’m sad that the embedded Spotify cuts off my super great extra hilarious not at all terrible playlist titles, but THAT’S LIFE I GUESS.

Do any of y’all have exercise playlists?  I’d love to get some new blood circulating.  I am so awful about hitting repeat on the same 50 songs, sometimes for months.

Comfort in habits, I guess.  Same shit, different media form.

it’s freaking 7:45 and i just got hoooooooome from wooooooooooork UUUGGGGHHHH

Tomorrow doesn’t exist.  Tomorrow doesn’t exist.  Tomorrow doesn’t exist.

“but i’ll just wake up early and–” really, though?  REALLY?  You’re definitely gonna wake up with more than 4 minutes to put on pants and run to the bus.  YOU, Jessica Emsley, are gonna do that.

HAVE YOU MET YOU LATELY?

Okay.  Fine.  I’m dressed.  It has to happen now.  After I catch up on my YouTube subscriptions.

Again, as always, NOT THAT BAD.  This was the first day of week 2, so the routine was amped up a bit, but it was perfect.  I felt challenged, but not overextended.  I’m looking forward to seeing where I’m at by week 3.

When I’m actively running, I keep telling myself, “See?  You’re enjoying this.  Try to remember THIS part, and not the 2+ minutes of mild discomfort you first experience, yeah?  Seriously, YOU ACTUALLY LIKE THIS.”  There were a few oh-my-god-what-is-my-calf-about-to-do-to-me moments, but I stopped occasionally to loosen up a bit, and it was fine, if maybe a little risky.  I need to not injure myself right now, or I’ll give up forever.

My playlist was a minefield of nostalgia and self-loathing, and I found myself thinking deeper than on previous runs.  I clawed my way through some of the darker thoughts that were crushing me this weekend, while the endorphins kept me safely afloat.  I felt… okay.  Not great, but okay for the first time since Friday afternoon.  And the idea that something other than a mind-altering substance might make me feel okay for a minute?  That’s not small.  This has huge implications that I clearly need to explore.

Physically, though?  I need to do calf stretches.  I need to be EXTRA careful with my left ankle, which I twisted simply walking home from work.  My ankles hate, hate, hate the cold.

I also might consider investing in some new shoes sooner than expected, due to my arches feeling like they want to have a crap-spasm.  I could just jam some of those arch support thingies in there, though?  We’ll see!

Week 2, day 1: CONQUERED.  Screw you, Imaginary Tomorrow.  I beat your ASS.

Run #3: OFFICIALLY DOING THIS I GUESS.

THIRD RUN TONIGHT, BITCHES.  And I gotta say, I’m a little intimidated.  If I do something three times, I can’t really pretend I never cared.  When I fail–And yes, I WILL fail, unless I do this 3 times a week for literally the rest of my life–I’ll have to acknowledge that I really, actually tried.

But, EFF IT, let’s do it anyway, and I give you all full permission to laugh at me when I give up, like, tomorrow.

Working on my playlist really helps motivate me.  HERE IS WHAT I WILL LISTEN TO LATER WHILE MOVING FORWARD IN SPACE AND TIME.

I guess playlists motivate me to do most things, though?

I’m tired of all my music, so tonight I’m just gonna skim through some really shitty techno playlists on Spotify and grab a handful of tolerable tracks.

Can someone explain why this “hardstyle/techno” list is like, 40% dubstep?  You do realize NOT ALL ELECTRONICA IS DUBSTEP, right?  I bet whoever made this also leaves comments on Chemical Brothers songs like “good track but where was the drop, lol.”

Ugh I hate all of this, so I just hastily cobbled some stuff together:

I’m actually kind of EXCITED about running tonight, guys.  I mean, I had to tell myself NOT to run yesterday.  What.  WHAT.

This slightly disturbs me. Who is this person, all… enjoying exercise and going to bed at 11 without self-medicating?  Have I been possessed by the ghost of a soccer mom?  THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Oh god my running jacket is moist, WHY IS IT MOIST.  Isn’t this a good enough reason not to go?!  I CAN’T GO NOW, I FEEL LIKE A USED Q-TIP.

Fine, I’ll go.  But only because I’m already dressed for it.

Dear Future Jess:  COOL-DOWNS ARE FREAKING IMPORTANT.

I know, okay?  I KNOW.  I’m just the kind of person who needs to break rules before I can decide if they’re worth following.

I keep either skipping, or running through, my cool-downs, and it’s… uncomfortable.  I feel like someone dosed me with an unfamiliar drug, and I’m coming up and flipping out and they keep telling me to “just breathe” and “it’ll even out soon.”  My heart is racing, my body is uncomfortable, and my mind is in a strange and unfamiliar place.  I DON’T LIKE IT.

The only slightly more appropriate thing I can compare it to is… coming out of a movie theater?  It’s daylight when you go in, and for 2 hours, you experience a different world.  Then you walk outside, into darkness, and you feel… disoriented.

It’s like that, but on a physical plane as well.

It kinda sucks.

The other lesson I learned today is about procrastination.

I put this thing off until like, 9:30, but it never crossed my mind that I wouldn’t follow through.  It turns out I can procrastinate as long as I want, as long as those sneaky “you can always do it tomorrow” thoughts don’t seep into my consciousness.  I’ve realized this whole time I’ve been fighting my own laziness, I’ve been throwing punches in the wrong direction.

I need to remember that “tomorrow” is my strongest enemy.

Enough waxing philosophical for the evening, y’all.

Run #2: The Reckoning of the Jog

People keep saying that “the first step is the hardest,” but it isn’t for me.  I can do anything once.  Sure, it might take me months to work up the energy, but it’ll eventually happen.  

The second time?  Not so much.  Novelty is my drug.  Even if I enjoy something the first time, it’s nigh impossible to get myself to do it again.  I’m like, I already know how this goes!  Sure, some of it was good, but who cares?  The pros and cons are no longer a mystery.

You know what I DON’T know yet?  What happened on this week’s episode of The Blacklist.  Soooo.

(Spoiler: it’s still pretty stupid)

Which is why it took me 6 days to re-motivate myself for run #2, and I had to use beer as a carrot. 

If only carrots actually worked as carrots for me, I’d be fucking #ripped by now.

RUNNING PLAYLIST:  All britpop, or some approximation.

Destination:  A PLACE WITH BEER.

Distance:  2.38 miles.

Time:  30 minutes.

All this on the coldest night of the season BY FAR!

First thought as I walk out the door:  JESUS BALLHOLES IT’S COLD.

Cue me spending the next few minutes trying to figure out what a ball hole is.  A DOUGHNUT, MAYBE?!

I’m constantly surprised, though, by how little time it takes my body to warm up and cool down.  My hands were stiff and my cheeks were numb, but I was up to a comfortable temperature about 3 minutes into the warm-up.  Not freakin’ bad, body!  I appreciate your wild temperature fluctuations?!

Except when it’s mid-winter, my heater’s off, and I wake up in a pool of my own sweat.  Then it’s just baffling and kind of gross.

I know, right?  Sorry ladies, I’M TAKEN.

So, first 15 minutes, I’m huffing and puffing and regretting every life decision leading to this point.  But now it’s too late to quit, cos I’ve frigged up the timing on buses.  IN IT TO WIN/LOSE IT, NOW.

This time, even though I’m actively trying to pace myself, I find myself getting pissed off when she’s like, “Now, jog!”

What’s weird, though, is that by the time the minute’s over, I want more.  And by the time my 90 seconds of rest is over, I’m like “Who the hell are you to tell me what to do?!  I’M CRAWLING TO THIS FREAKING BEER AND THEN I’M HAVING SIX MORE.”

A little over halfway through, though, I got used to the back-and-forth, and found myself wanting… more running?!  I ran through most of my cool-down because (A) I was late to some shit and (B) I was seriously not okay with it being over.

First run: 2 miles.  Second run: 2.38.

And suddenly I’m a self-competitive person.  NEXT TIME IT’S 2.5 OR BUST, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Britpop playlist helped keep me on track, too.  The right amount of energy and quirk.  Man, Rizzle Kicks are so funky and adorable.  Like babies made of bleu cheese.

Okay I’m bored with myself now BYE.